dead batteries, azaleas, and costco muffins

let me start out by saying that my roommate is a douche bag. perhaps a little back story first. he's flamboyantly homosexual and coupled with a chemical imbalance known as bipolar disorder, he's a charm to have around the house.

i usually do my best to avoid all contact with him (mainly for fear of being raped), but on a recent evening i discovered i had a dead battery in my car and was forced to engage him in conversation. he was in the kitchen and i crept from the safety of my room to approach him.

"hey, listen. my batteries dead, could you give me a jump?"
(immediately regretting my double entendre)

"i'm busy." was his curt reply.

"um...it'll literally take 20 seconds. so...if you don't mind."

"i don't have jumper cables."

"well...i do. so again...if you don't mind..."

"i can't. i'm leaving for work right now. maybe tomorrow if i have time."

and with that, he walked past me and went to work.

left with no alternative, i was forced to call dominoes pizza and have the delivery driver jump my car. which wasn't an easy task considering she spoke no english and i had to convey what i needed through a series of ridiculous hand motions and sound effects.

so. he recently went on a two week vacation and left me a pleading voicemail. he literally begged me to water his plants while he was gone because he would be devastated to come home to dead flowers. God forbid our front yard be reduced to anything less than fabulous. memories of my dead battery fiasco came flickering back into my mind and i flirted with the idea of letting his precious azaleas wilt into dust under the blistering california sun.

however, my morality circuit kicked in and i decided to be the better person and water the damn plants. plus, he offered to pay me. while no dollar amount was specifically mentioned, there was enough carrot at the end of the stick to pressure me into get the hose out each day.

two weeks later he's back home. no money. no thanks.

two more weeks go by. still no mention of my saintly deed.

which brings us to today. he was sitting on the couch watching television and i decided to have a little chat with him.

"hey. i noticed you just bought some costco muffins."
(the giant hubcab-sized multi pack variety that was sitting unopened on the counter)

"yeah?"

"considering you haven't paid me for watering your plants i'd like the muffins as payment."

he doesn't know how to react.

"what? you can have one if you want, i guess? here, i can pay you right now."

he reaches for his wallet.

"the muffins will be sufficient payment."

his head tilts to one side and his face scrunches up like a confused puppy.

"but i was going to give you cash. i've got it right here."

"i don't want cash. i want the muffins."

"but...i just bought those. i mean, i can pay you right now."

"no thank you."

defeated, he's forced to relinquish his claim on the pastries. i pop one in the microwave and cheefully make my way back to my room as he suspiciously glares at me from the corner of his eye.

douche bag.