10.24.2007

cross-stitching, fraudulence, and shirley temple

i am consistently amazed by the disturbingly high levels of adult black males who order Shirley Temples. what i find most amusing is the fact that they order it completely straight-faced, as if it were a shot of whiskey in a biker bar. these are not 'fruity' men either; they have girlfriends, wives, small children.

"I'll take a shirley temple and a bud light for my baby girl."

and if the syrupy concoction is brought to their table sans maraschino cherry garnish - oh boy. you can expect an angry fork to be promptly shoved into your belly until said garnish is retrieved.

i have also recently begun to have serious issues with the concept of cross-stitching. up till now i've been duped into thinking this was a legitimate art form. prepare to have the (woven) wool removed from your eyes my friends - it's a sham. while once being among some of the oldest embroidery methods; a traditional and revered form of folk art, is has been painfully defiled by housewives wearing silk-screened sweatshirts depicting playful kittens on the front.

the fraudulence lies in the fact that these women are merely copying pre-fabricated designs set up on graph paper; as if it were a project given to kindergartners on a rainy day. they crank out these forged creations and inevitably pass them out to unwitting family members around the holidays; playfully blushing when everyone compliments her creativity and skill level.

imagine the betrayal you would feel if scholars revealed that Michelangelo's magnificent Sistine Chapel was a merely a paint-by-number. we must unite and reveal these women as the flim-flam artists that they are.

the bamboozling ends today.

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