she performed a series of pantomime motions with her hands and then began flipping through our cocktail menu - hoping to find a picture of the glass in question. i asked if she wanted an alcoholic beverage? rum and coke maybe? she emphatically said no; she simply wanted her coke in a big glass. i pointed to the picture of our large margarita glasses. no. not that one.
i lied and told her i'd be more than happy to escort her to the bar so she can pick out what frickin' glass she wants her coca-cola in. she didn't like that idea and reverted back to motioning with her hands in an attempt to describe the elusive stemware.
she just kept repeating the word 'big', as if that were the only adjective at her disposal. i offered her my writing pad to draw me a picture. no. no pictionary. after several excrutiating minutes of this, she finally threw in another descriptor. handle. it had a handle. a lightbulb went off in my head.
she wanted a PITCHER of coke. not even attempting to hide it, i blatently rolled by eyes. after my eureka moment, she literally began to excitedly clap her hands; nearly wet her pants with glee. luckily, i had brought extra napkins for just such an occasion. her and her boyfriend acted as though i had just kicked the winning fieldgoal at the superbowl; high fives all around followed by a good-natured pat on the ass.
i glanced at my watch. five more hours to go. bleh.
alright friends. it's now time for a lesson in cell phone etiquette. well, not really etiquette as much as 'how not to act like a moron when using your cellular telephone'. since everyone in the united states over the age of four has one (iPhones are especially popular with the 3rd grade demographic this year), i thought i'd impart a few useful nuggets.
1. time and date.
don't tell me what time you called and don't tell me the current day of the week. when executing this particular faux pas, the caller never knows the actual time and inevitably has to take several seconds to search the room for a clock.
"um...hey. this is john. let's see...it's about...um...well... about 3:45 on Thursday and I was just calling to say hi."
i could understand needing this information if i was sporting one of these boys >>
but thanks to modern technology i am able to check a fancy tool called a 'call log' which allows me to retrieve such crucial information as when you actually placed your call to me. as if it mattered.
2. stop leaving eight minute messages on voicemail. rely heavily on bullet points and less on minutia.
"this is john. so i guess we're going to meet at the theater around 10 o'clock. sarah said she can't make it because she has to wake up early tomorrow. she said she can go out next tuesday if we're all free. but next tuesday i'm having dinner with my parents; so we can talk that tonight when i see you. i know you're at work, but we were thinking about grabbing a bite to eat before the show; we're probably going to find some chinese place close-by. so anyway...we'll all just meet you at the theater by 10. bye."
for me, there is only one scenario where this type of message would be acceptable. that would be if you're being held hostage in a dungy basement and managed to find a cellphone while your captures were momentarily out of the room.
"this is john. i think there are three of them and the leader has a southern accent. i can hear a lot of cars in the distance so we're probably next to a freeway. there's a dog barking nearby, it's possibly in the backyard. they were talking about going to a movie at 10 o'clock, probably the new bruce willis one. i've heard it wasn't that good. alright, they're coming back downstairs, i gotta go. talk to you later."
even a death in the family does not need to be long and drawn out. keep it brief while imparting the main purpose of your call.
"hey. this is john. you're aunt just died. call me."
3. caller ID:
when i see your name on the caller ID and begin with the phrase, "hi john, how's it going?" don't respond with the following:
-"hey, this is john."
-"is this matt?"
by using your name, i've just established i know who you are; and considering you've just placed a call to my cell phone, it's hardly necessary to confirm my identity at this point.
this concludes the phone etiquette portion of the blog. practice at home in front of the mirror and do your part to blend in with the rest of the 21st century. be well.
i lied and told her i'd be more than happy to escort her to the bar so she can pick out what frickin' glass she wants her coca-cola in. she didn't like that idea and reverted back to motioning with her hands in an attempt to describe the elusive stemware.
she just kept repeating the word 'big', as if that were the only adjective at her disposal. i offered her my writing pad to draw me a picture. no. no pictionary. after several excrutiating minutes of this, she finally threw in another descriptor. handle. it had a handle. a lightbulb went off in my head.
she wanted a PITCHER of coke. not even attempting to hide it, i blatently rolled by eyes. after my eureka moment, she literally began to excitedly clap her hands; nearly wet her pants with glee. luckily, i had brought extra napkins for just such an occasion. her and her boyfriend acted as though i had just kicked the winning fieldgoal at the superbowl; high fives all around followed by a good-natured pat on the ass.
i glanced at my watch. five more hours to go. bleh.
alright friends. it's now time for a lesson in cell phone etiquette. well, not really etiquette as much as 'how not to act like a moron when using your cellular telephone'. since everyone in the united states over the age of four has one (iPhones are especially popular with the 3rd grade demographic this year), i thought i'd impart a few useful nuggets.
1. time and date.
don't tell me what time you called and don't tell me the current day of the week. when executing this particular faux pas, the caller never knows the actual time and inevitably has to take several seconds to search the room for a clock.
"um...hey. this is john. let's see...it's about...um...well... about 3:45 on Thursday and I was just calling to say hi."
i could understand needing this information if i was sporting one of these boys >>
but thanks to modern technology i am able to check a fancy tool called a 'call log' which allows me to retrieve such crucial information as when you actually placed your call to me. as if it mattered.
2. stop leaving eight minute messages on voicemail. rely heavily on bullet points and less on minutia.
"this is john. so i guess we're going to meet at the theater around 10 o'clock. sarah said she can't make it because she has to wake up early tomorrow. she said she can go out next tuesday if we're all free. but next tuesday i'm having dinner with my parents; so we can talk that tonight when i see you. i know you're at work, but we were thinking about grabbing a bite to eat before the show; we're probably going to find some chinese place close-by. so anyway...we'll all just meet you at the theater by 10. bye."
for me, there is only one scenario where this type of message would be acceptable. that would be if you're being held hostage in a dungy basement and managed to find a cellphone while your captures were momentarily out of the room.
"this is john. i think there are three of them and the leader has a southern accent. i can hear a lot of cars in the distance so we're probably next to a freeway. there's a dog barking nearby, it's possibly in the backyard. they were talking about going to a movie at 10 o'clock, probably the new bruce willis one. i've heard it wasn't that good. alright, they're coming back downstairs, i gotta go. talk to you later."
even a death in the family does not need to be long and drawn out. keep it brief while imparting the main purpose of your call.
"hey. this is john. you're aunt just died. call me."
3. caller ID:
when i see your name on the caller ID and begin with the phrase, "hi john, how's it going?" don't respond with the following:
-"hey, this is john."
-"is this matt?"
by using your name, i've just established i know who you are; and considering you've just placed a call to my cell phone, it's hardly necessary to confirm my identity at this point.
this concludes the phone etiquette portion of the blog. practice at home in front of the mirror and do your part to blend in with the rest of the 21st century. be well.
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