i put it in the washing machine - mainly to kill any spiders that may have been lurking inside. i threw it in the dryer and thirty minutes later i opened the dryer door only to have my face collide with a hot burst of air filled with thousands of tiny white balls. a myriad of perfectly formed cotton puffs spilled onto the floor and statically clung to every inch of my body.
in the course of a few hours all of my clothes, my entire bed, the television, the walls - all covered in endless drifts of white. it didn't help that i sleep with a 600 horsepower fan next to me. all night long i have cyclones of cotton particles swirling around my room. each morning i shake my head to get them out of my hair, which only creates more static charge, thus causing the puffs on the floor to come zooming through the air and cling to my eyebrows.
i open my laptop? hello white balls!
take a drink from my water bottle? hello white balls!
lodged between my incisors? hello white balls!
this week i've spent countless man-hours hunched over every article of clothing with duct tape wound around my hand, doing the little tap-tap-tap in a fruitless effort to eliminate them. and yet, the next morning they re-align and re-cover every piece of fabric i own. i've even attempted attacking the source of the problem. endlessly dabbing the hell out of the blanket; yet everyday it prosperously sprouts new balls. at some point shouldn't the blanket begin losing mass and falling apart?
the vacuum is worthless, it just blows everything around and creates more static charge; so i decided to do it manually. yesterday i spent my free time kneeling on the floor with a lint roller going back and forth back and forth. forty-five minutes later i had used up all the sticky on the roller...and only a third of the carpet was ball-free. that night, i came home from work and in blatant defiance the balls had all migrated to the swatch of carpet i had just toiled over all afternoon.
in fact, just now i had a white ball stuck between two letters on my keyboard. angrily, i flicked it so hard that the letter G on my keyboard went flying into the air. i went across the room, snatched the tiny black G square off the ground, and mashed it back into it's proper place. it was in this mashing process that i managed to break something.
the G key now sits all wonky and doesn't respond to touch. it's especially frustrating because i typically type around 90 WPM, and now i'm forced to type like a senior citizen. with my giant slab-of-meat hands I delicately try to reconstruct the tiny pieces of plastic; which is loosely equivalent to having a silver-back mountain gorilla attempt needlework. my useless bratwurst fingers were unable to correctly re-align the necessary components. there are several intricate pieces involved and now i'm flirting with the idea of just dripping crazy glue all over everything and calling it a day.
so for now i'm left with a rubber nub of a G as a thousand tiny white balls make a laughingstock out of me.
1 comment:
ha! finally it is here! the blog addressing the abnormal size of your abnormally wrinkly hands. i Laghed Out Loud while i pictured you fumbling with small computer parts. the only reason the key flew off in the first place was the fact that a flick from those banana fingers of yours is equivilent to tiger woods teeing off. i wonder if i poke them with a needle, weather or not they'd deflate. ok i'm done makin fun of your gorilla hands, perhaps i'll buy you a gift. i was thinking of a nice nike golf glove, but then i realize they only come in S, M, and L. they don't make size Bigfoot. sorry, matto.
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