heat waves, polar bears, and marshmallows

i'm sure glad i decided to move to southern california in the dead of summer. brilliant. we had a heat wave last week; which you may have seen on the news and chose to flip the channel - uncaring and oblivious to the suffering of those in some distant corner of the union. like the morons who live on the mississippi and whine when their houses get flooded every year; same goes for the people who complain about the heat in LA. what do they expect?

due to the selfish overuse of air-conditioners, rolling blackouts plagued LA county (where I live). each night i would huddle in front of my air conditioner, gently muttering, "please don't go out. be strong, my friend." as the power-grid struggled like an anemic little girl to keep up with demand.

inside the house, it was sweltering. i could place a raw slab of pork roast on the kitchen counter at noon, and by 4pm it would be fully cooked and ready to serve.

the real irritation came from the smart asses sitting in their ivory towers at Albertsons. pale and seeing double, i wobbled to the checkout stand and actually heard the words, "so, hot enough for you?" How dare they ask me such a question? If I lived in the arctic and had the audacity to say, "cold enough for you?" i'm fairly certain a polar bear would leap out of nowhere and punch me in the mouth. no questions asked.

i'll move on. yesterday i was at the gas station waiting in line. it was late at night and they were totaling up the day's debit/credit transactions; which meant everyone in line had to wait until the process was complete. a menacing black woman waiting in line behind me was growing impatient. unable to contain herself any longer, she finally blurted out to the clerk behind the bullet-proof glass, "hey! i'm sick of waiting! this gonna be much longer?!" The clerk muttered something in Arabic and continued his intense focus on the task at hand. everyone in line was growing irritable; eyebrows were raised, eyes were rolled, feet were stamped into the ground, watches glanced at repeatedly.

taking the initiative, the thunderous black woman barked through the plexiglass once again, "Hey! Muhammad!" He glanced up; hand on hip. "How about some of these marshmallows?" she propositioned. He scrunched his forehead - confused and irritated. She happened to be standing next to a display of Stay Puft Marshmallows and raised a bag high in the air, ensuring he'd see it. "How 'bout a bag of these? For having to wait so long?" He simply shrugged his shoulders, uncaring. Free marshmallows; fine. Who cares.

she went on to explain the intricacies of customer service to the mexican man standing behind her who seemed either uninterested or perhaps just unable to comprehend the english language. either way, it didn't matter to her; she'd won her prize. that night i envisioned her arriving at home, bursting through the front door, and excitedly parading around her tiny house with the bag of Stay Puft Marshmallows held triumphantly over her head. justice had been served. a round of hot chocolate for everyone.