i was recently presented with the opportunity to visit home. my aunt and uncle make an annual drive from arizona to seattle and decided to swing by LA on their way up. we had dinner together and my uncle proposed that i just hitch a ride with them and surprise my family. normally, i wouldn't have hesitated. yes, of course!
but it was at that precise moment that i glanced across the table at my four year old cousin who was repeatedly banging her fork on the table chanting some unintelligible song; angry glances being shot at our table from every imaginable angle.
they smiled and awaited my response. i'd love to!
thankfully i had the presence of mind to bring my sleeping pills with me. i was able to covertly crush them in my palm and dissolve them into her sippy cup of apple juice. so help me, this was going to be a smooth 18 hour trip.
i spent two weeks there and eventually found a ridiculously cheap ticket to fly me back to LAX. upon my arrival at the airport i soon realized why my ticket was such a bargain. there would be a three hour layover in portland. i felt sick. everything in me just wanted to be home, sleeping in my own bed. well, flimsy aluminum futon. that's not the point.
three hours. fine. i'll just do a crossword puzzle to help pass the time. twenty minutes later i was finished and checking my watch.
i decided to buy a book; apparently, it's what every sensible traveler does. all of the fat older women in the terminal were reading romance novels; with titles like 'The Flame and the Flower' and 'Forbidden Passion'. I entered the bookstore, strode past the endless aisles of a wispy and chiseled fabio staring lustfully into my eyes, and eventually found one that suited me. i went to the counter to pay.
there was a couple standing in front of me with one arm around the other, lovingly. i couldn't help but notice as the man's hand slowly found it's way down her back and onto her rear. so what? nothing new here, he's probably going to just tuck his hand inside the rear pocket of her pants. nope. he slid right past the pocket and went straight for her ass crack. his fingers made a slow and methodical trek down the length of the crack - lingering for a moment at the anus - and continuing downward. his fingers slowly glided up and down the path several times; meanwhile she's acting cool as a cucumber, handing the clerk her credit card, oblivious to the fact that her boyfriend is caressing her crack in public. my face scrunched in utter disgust, i spun around to see if there were any children watching this obscene show of theirs. they paid and left, leaving a distinct odor of sex hovering around the register.
i held my breath until i was at least 25 feet away from the bookstore. now to find a quiet little corner of the airport to read for the next two and a half hours. as i meandered, i passed a glass case containing various items Homeland Security deem dangerous and are therefore not allowed on the plane. curious (and bored) I stopped. The usual items were in there; hypodermic needles, 12-inch hunting knives, fireworks, canisters of propane...and then I saw a curious item. a chinese throwing star. not the flimsy one you secretly made in shop class when the teacher was in the bathroom. this was like a genuine throwing star that ninjas use.
you'd think it would be pretty obvious to airport security who was trying to confiscate these things in. the guy at the back of the line who's slender, wearing all black, and has a hooded mask enveloping his head. i imagined Homeland Security approaching him as he throws his hand to the ground and disappears in a wild puff of smoke, leaving behind nothing but this throwing star; as a warning not to interfere with the mighty and powerful ninja order.
i arrived at my gate to be cheerful informed that after three hours of agonizing layover, my flight would now be delayed another two hours. i could physically feel my heart coming to a grinding halt.
me: are there any earlier flights to LA?
attendant: no sir.
me: in the entire airport?
attendant: don't you think i would have mentioned that, sir?
(at this point i had a fantasy about tossing her tiny head into a nearby jet engine and gleefully jumping up and down, clapping my hands)
me: ok. thanks.
two more hours.
finally my flight arrived. my seat was located in the very last row of the aircraft, which meant i had to do that little two-step shuffle for the next five minutes as I make my way past everyone in the aisle. i sit next to the window, completely ignoring my actual seat assignment on the ticket. if somebody wants to say something to me about it, they can prepare for a face-full of venom.
after take-off i glance out the tiny window to see the cityscape. except that is impossible. my entire translucent square to the outside world has been clouded in forehead grease. it was as if someone had smeared mayonnaise across the entire surface of the window. i took the small napkin that came with my peanuts and attempted to swab a clear spot for myself to gaze out of. waste of time. it just spread the grease around, instead of actually removing it. i considered punching it, to pop it out of it's casing; no longer caring about things like 'pressurization'. dejected, i slumped back into my seat with nothing to console me but a bag containing exactly twelve peanuts and a dixie-cup full of Ginger Ale.
No comments:
Post a Comment