the santa letters

As is the childhood tradition in many households, my sister and I would leave a little note next to the cookies and milk for Santa and Rudolph - since he was the only reindeer privileged enough to enter our household, as all the other reindeer were likely teeming with Lyme disease and hoof rot.  The next morning we would stumble downstairs (mainly because I usually had a bit too much nog the night before) and anxiously read the responses to our letters - handwritten by Santa and Rudolph.  The fact that Santa was rifling through my mom's drawers to find a pen and paper and that reindeer lack opposable thumbs never seemed to cross my mind.  But nonetheless we looked forward to their response letters in conjunction with the "evidence" of their visit (precisely one bite mark taken out of each cookie and 1 oz of missing milk).  Based upon his girth, I never considered Santa one to be frugal with his cookie/milk consumption, but he took exactly one dainty bite out of each cookie to prove that he had been in our kitchen.  Similarly, we would leave Rudolph a carrot and it would also have one bite missing.  

Even at a young age, my advanced handwriting-analysis skills in tandem with my kit microscope helped me discovered that my mom was responsible for the Santa response letters - altering her handwriting just enough in order to dupe us into thinking it was actually the Fat Man's.  When I  was 12, having already accepted the cold hard truth, my parents allowed me to stay up well past my oblivious/naïve younger sister's bedtime in order to watch them  wrap gifts that she foolishly thought were from St. Nick.  Whether it was sheer fatigue from the midnight gift-wrapping-marathon or perhaps a case of hoof rot, my mother willingly gave her 12 year old son the sacred and hallowed reigns...allowing me to write the Santa response letters to my sister.  These are those letters.  Enjoy. 

[SIDE NOTE: for the first 12 years of my sister's life the entire family referred to her as "Muffy" and not Michelle.  Keep your smutty jokes to yourself.]

1992

Matt - 12

Chelle - 10

Dear Santa,  

I'm sorry but I saw one of my presents.  It was the special stickers box.  Please forgive me.  I really want books for Christmas.  Please eat all the cookies I made for your buck teeth.   

Merry Christmas! 

Love, Muffy 

P.S. Rudolph can come in our house.  It's okay with my mommy.  Tell him, kay?  We are the ones that were in the apartment and then that house in Kirkland.  Tell Rudolph hi!

Dear Muffy,  

I'm getting old and I'm sick of children. Call me fussy, but I simply cannot accept you looking at your present.  When I go through the time and effort to have my elves make you a present, it's hoggish and unappreciative of you to take a look.  Which part of "coal" do you not understand? Thanks for the carrot but Rudolph is dead. 

Love, Santa

P.S. your cookies SUCK!  

1993

Matt - 13

Chelle - 11

[SIDE NOTE: This was the year that my sister found out that Santa isn't real.]

Dear Santa, 

I'm pretty sure I know what you're getting me as my main gift - Mom totally gave it away (I'm not telling why).  I wasn't that excited for Christmas and I'm still not as excited as I usually am.  I hope you like your cookies and I hope Rudolph likes his carrots!

Love you!
Muffy

(Thanks for all you've done Mom I mean Santa)

---

Dear Rudolph, 

I can't wait to see you tonight!  Come and see me when Santa drops off our presents (sneak in).  I hope you like your carrots because HEY! - they're Oregon fresh.  Have fun this Christmas. 

I love you!

Love, Muffy

Dear Muffy,

What were you thinking when you gave my team of reindeer those unpeeled carrots?  Do you just think you can give my reindeer any old carrots out of the ground?  These are magical reindeer we're talking about here.  Do you even for a moment think that my deer could even accept that CRAP?  If you ever pull that little stunt of yours again you can just forget about your little $50 gift.  Do you understand me, child?  WHAT WAS THAT?!  Did I just bite into a horse's RAW BUTT?!  If you think you're some kind of Betty Crocker or something, you're dreaming the wrong dream, sister.  Also, what is wrong with your handwriting?  Were you in some kind of a hurry?  Well listen, if you're in that much of a hurry then next year I'll just be in a hurry to get you a good gift.  Get my drift?   

Hope you had a merry Christmas!  Enjoy your gifts!  Tell Carter hi!  

Love, Santa and Rudolph

1994

Matt - 14

Chelle - 12

Dear Santa,

Merry Christmas!  I am really excited for Christmas this year.  I was wishing for football things if you could.  I really like football.  NFL - that's all.  I love the Dolphins - Dan Marino rules.  I made you cookies - my brother made most of them.  Thanks for always leaving great presents.  I didn't have the best attitude this year - but I'll be better next year.

Love, 
Chelle

P.S. Rudolph can come in 

Dear Whatever Your Name Is, 

I don't know what it's going to take to get it through you people's heads.  There's only one true reward to being "Father Christmas" and that's fudge.  I'd just like to ask what you were thinking by not giving me any this year.   

I don't know what Christmas movies you've been watching, but last time I heard, my reindeer deserve nothing but the best.  There is no excuse for what you did.  As we speak, Rudolph is up on the roof crying his eyes out because of your carelessness.  And how long were you going to leave that milk out?!  Hello!  Bacteria! 

What is this "foot-ball" thing?  You think you're too cool for Santa?  Well your baking the wrong cookies because I've got a ton of kids just waiting for their dollies and toy trucks.  Well I'm sick of it.  You're all selfish.  I'm so ticked off, I gotta go. 

Merry Christmas! 
Santa 

Dear Rudolph, 

Merry Christmas.  I told Santa you could come in.  I'm in the 2nd bedroom from the small end of the hall upstairs, k?  Hope you haven't had so many carrots that this will make you sick.  Maybe it will give you fuel.

Chelle

P.S. We're out of carrots, sorry.  Here's a change - celery!

Chelle,  

This time you've crossed the line.  Did anybody ever tell you that we're MAGICAL reindeer?!  When we asked for carrots, that's what we meant.  To try and slip some celery by me was just sneaky.  Santa's not real impressed.  That sort of stuff just makes me lose the will to come here. There are eight other reindeer who firmly stand behind me.  Oh and hey - nice job on the fudge.  Real smooth.  You know what, I've got to quit writing to people like you.  It wrecks my Christmas spirit.  Trust me, you don't want that.  That's a warning.  

I'm too mad to sign my name.  

[Rudolph]

1995

Matt - 15

Chelle - 13

Dear Santa, 

I don't really know what I want for Christmas.  I guess there's not really anything.  I'll be happy with whatever you give me.  I still believe in you and I always will.  You are Santa Claus and you are very cute.  Thank you for always bringing us the coolest presents.  I would really like basketball shoes or anything that is Miami Dolphins.  Please sprinkle a little Christmas on my mom.  I mean spirit.  Something is making her in a bad mood.  Please let it snow tonight too.  Pull all the clouds over Bothell and let it snow a lot.  I hope you like the cookies and milk.  Enjoy!

-Chelle

My Least Favorite Child, 

Let's just get one thing straight - I never ever want to hear you call me cute again.  I want to make this crystal clear.   

I bet you didn't know old "Saint Nick" was psychic.  I know what's making your mom in a bad mood - you.  I wasn't supposed to tell, but her Christmas wish was for you to fall into a bottomless pit.  I am strongly thinking about it.  Rudolph agrees with your mom - he seems to be holding a lot of anger inside.  If I find out that you're causing Rudolph's headaches, there's gonna be trouble, Missy.  You don't want to be on Santa's bad side.  Ask Mrs. Claus about that. 

At this time of year, with all this stress, the last thing I need is for kids to be beggy.  Listen to me; when I give you your gift you will open it, smile, and you will like it.  Santa's watching you, child.  You just keep that mind.   

What the heck are you babbling about, "You will always believe in me"?  Who doesn't?!  For Pete's sake, have you gone insane?  You're trying to give Father Christmas a stroke aren't you?  AREN'T YOU?!  I think my blood pressure is rising.  I think I'm bleeding internally.  
Oh and who do you think you are asking me to make it snow?  Haven't I done enough for you already?  People like you make my stomach retch. 

Merry Christmas! 

Your cookies made the reindeer vomit on the roof and gave me bad gas. 

Santa

Dear Rudolph,

Go ahead and come in to see us.  I give you permission.  Have a great Christmas and don't get too worked up while flying.  I'll be thinking of you.  Hope the carrots are good fuel.  Love you always.

Chelle

Muffy Lee Owens, 

I don't mean to sound pessimistic or anything, but I sure don't need yours - or anyone else's - permission to come into your "house".  Understand?  I was quite offended that you would actually think that Rudolph - the greatest reindeer of all - would get "worked up" over flying.  Not many things get me "worked up; Mrs. Claus, gay elves, Vixen making those whistling noises with his nose while sleeping, Santa always walking around the workshop naked, and kids like you. 

I'm sick and tired of children just "assuming" that Santa does all the work around here.  You little snots write him an entire letter while leaving me in the dust with just a few sentences.  Have I mentioned that I am indeed a magical beast with feelings?  You have crushed them.  Santa keeps asking me if something is wrong, but I just stare at the ground and cry to myself.  Donner is very distraught. 

You know what?  I don't need your stinking carrots.  There are plenty of other children who love and appreciate me for who I am.  For the record, Santa had to hire a therapist to council me four days a week because of you.  I'll send you a bill.  That'll be my little Christmas gift to you, ok? 

Why does it always have to end like this?  If you don't like me, just say so.  Can't we just get along? 

Merry Christmas!Don't die! 

Love, The Big R

1996

Matt - 16

Chelle - 14

Dear Santa, 

Well, it's Christmas time once again!  December has gone by so fast this year, it's sad!  It seems as only yesterday it was Thanksgiving.  I'm excited for you to come though!  For 14 years I've been asking you for this but PLEASE!!!! let Rudolph come in!  I love him and he loves me!  No matter how old I get, I'll always believe in you, ok?  I don't care what presents I get.  It really doesn't matter since thousands of kids don't get any presents at all.  

Don't write me a crappy note trying to be funny please Sant?  [not a typo, she actually called him "Sant"]  I know it's not your fault cause an evil spirit called Matt gets into your body every year, but I just want a true Santa letter (though I know it won't happen).  But I got a 3.667 this trimester, so I deserve some good presents this year - even if I did have a crappy attitude 1/2 of the time (yeah - WHATEVER).  I love you always and forever!  Hope you like the cookies and milk! 2% for you!

Love always,
Chelle

Dear Chelle, 

What gave you the impression that St. Nick was senile?  Were you thinking in that tiny skull of yours that I don't know it's Christmas time?!  Well you can think again - just because I'm over 1500 years old means nothing.  You hear me?!  NOTHING!  Why do you always have to get old Santa so worked up?  You wanna give me a freaking heart attack?  You little freak.   

Do you think you can get away with lying to Kris Kringle?  Don't feed me those lines about you not caring what you receive.  It's bull.   

I'm sensing a little bit of hidden anger towards your sibling.  Perhaps I will give a little bit of "anger" when give you your "gifts" this year.  How does that sounds, you little brat?  Do you think that playing your sick little mind games on Santa is funny??  I'll let you in on a little secret - I'm not at all impressed with your grades.  Trust me, I've seen better. 

In case you've had a lapse of mental retardation, I'll tell you something...I have a bit of a weight problem.  So what are you trying to pull with this 2% milk crap?  Don't let it happen again.  You get my drift, reject? 

Merry Christmas! 

Love,Your Omnipotent Santa

Dear Rudolph,

Hi!  I've missed you this year!  Well, I begged Santa to let you come in this year, so I think you'll be able to!  You've always been my favorite @ Christmas time - so always remember that, ok?  The carrots are mini this year - they're better and fresher, ok?  Yum!  Well, see ya soon - a couple hours!  Love you lots.

Love always,
Chelle

Head,

Just to put an end to this little "fantasy" of yours; did it ever occur to you that...mmmm...maybe I don't want to come into your house?  The phrase "grab a clue" comes to mind.  Frankly, I hate children - I had to get that off my chest.  I hate to say it, but you're pretty high on my black list...and that's a pretty long list.  I hope you choke on a cookie you little brown-nosing con artist. 

Are you too good for Rudolph?  I'll tell you what, next time you pull a mini-carrot stunt like this again you're going to see coal in the near future.  You disgust me, child.  Have you never heard of self-esteem?  Guess what?  Mine's now gone.  It's bad enough that I've got a glowing pimple for a nose and now this.  Hey!  Thanks for nothing.   

Merry Christmas!
Rudolph

---

[Note left next to cookies] 

You call this good baking?  Rudolph's dung tastes better than this.  Trust me, I know. 

-Santa

1999

Matt - 19

Chelle - 17

Carter - 7

Dear Santa, 

Help yourself to the milk and cookies. Thank you for the presents.

From, 
Carter


[I responded to Carter's letters in a perfectly pleasant (and non sarcastic) manner so as not to shatter his childhood...and decided not to include it in this blog.  Chelle didn't even attempt a letter at this point since she felt she was "too old" for that stuff]

Chelle,  

It appears that somebody thinks they are a little too "high and mighty" to write to Ol' Saint Nick this year.  So help me, if you ever pull something like this ever again I'll take your sassy little name off my list so fast it'll make your head spin.  Also, what is this..."Help Yourself Day"?!  I had to get the fricking milk out of the refrigerator BY MYSELF.  Like I really have time for this kind of crap.  It's people like you that aggravate my ulcer.  Lastly, your older brother has grown up to be one sexy stud.  Don't judge me.   

S.C.

drug lords, terrorists, and unemployment

            The entire nation is abuzz with talk about the full legalization of marijuana in Washington State.  So far the debate has remained fixated on whether or not it is a gateway drug, would lead to more automobile accidents, or how large the mountain of profit at Taco Bell will be.  However, what people have failed to comprehend is that with decriminalization of marijuana hardworking individuals will suddenly find themselves out of work.  Local Drug Lords and neighborhood terrorist cells have long relied on the revenue stream from marijuana to keep their enterprises afloat and with the decriminalization of marijuana in this state; they will soon find themselves standing next to you in the unemployment line.

            The cornerstone of a drug king-pin’s sustainability relies on the fact that marijuana is a gateway drug.  If it weren't for marijuana use, thousands of pounds of heroin, cocaine, and meth would literally be sitting on a shelf gathering dust which would inevitably result in lost revenue.  It’s not until their marijuana actually hits the streets that the other avenues of their wholesale business can begin to thrive.  With the passage of Initiative 502 hundreds of local entrepreneurs will find themselves scrambling to find new revenue streams.  Hardworking community street-gangs aren't the only ones being hurt by this new law - it’s all of the ancillary businesses that are being crippled as well.  Local black-market exotic pets dealers are seeing dramatic drops in their alligator and tiger sales.  In the past they could rely on a steady stream of “protection animals” being sold to guard marijuana crops, but now with the passage of I-502 their only source of revenue will have to come solely from NFL players and Mike Tyson.  Local teenagers – specifically those named Kyle – will soon find themselves without “a little extra cash” and will now be forced to rely on government handouts while helping their mother sell her awful handmade jewelry out of the basement.  Copywriters in the area will also soon find themselves struggling for work as well.  A mainstay within the marijuana community has been the clever naming of strains; Purple Haze, Sour Diesel, and Pineapple Express. With the legalization of marijuana this creativity will be stifled and copywriters will now find themselves cashing unemployment checks or worse – working for Disney.

            With little to no education, terrorists came to this country trying to create a better life for their family.  Selling marijuana to the infidels allowed them the flexibility to take a vacation to Miami Beach or go camping with the kids for the weekend without worrying about whether or not they would be able to pay the cable bill this month.  That revenue has now been unfairly snatched away from them and they will likely be forced to become a chiropractor or CPA just to stay afloat.

            Today’s economy has been rough on everyone and oftentimes we tend to let local drug dens, street pushers, and “crime syndicates” fall to the wayside and it’s time somebody stood up so that their voice could be heard.  They’re people too and deserve a job to support themselves, their children, and their baby mama.  This initiative will be ultimately be stealing jobs from local citizens and forcibly handing them over to government lab nerds who don’t deserve the white coats that pretentiously sit upon their backs.  It’s time we repeal I-502 to inject more employment opportunities into our state and encourage local business to flourish once again.