d as in dawn, c as in comcast, i as in i'm back!

wait, i have a blog? i feel like i just found a crumpled $20 bill in the pocket of my winter coat!

hello, friends! i'm not quite sure how to fill you in on my goings-on for the past year, but for those of you tracking my every move (i'm looking at you, Parole Officer Jenkins) i'll attempt to give you the rundown.

let's start off with my "new" girlfriend. new to you at least. i shy away from using the terms soul mate, love at first sight, or hot piece of ass - even though all apply. our anniversary falls on cinco de mayo which allows us to celebrate our immortal love in between shots of top shelf tequila and a bottomless supply of romantic chips and salsa. there is a 99.42% chance that i will ask for her hand in marriage (don't tell her parents). since dating is in essence a probationary period, i'm waiting to see if any unsavory chunks of her past float to the surface; like a moderate fecal fetish or revealing that she's a post-op with a good heart. her name is dawn. she's a jew.

after working 10+ years in the restaurant industry i thought it might be a blast to try something new. with a callous heart and deep loathing for the general public, i thought it might be somehow less vexing if i didn't actually have to see people's faces when dealing with their barrage of moronicisms. naturally this led me to a unique enclave known as The Call Center.

an affliction that runs rampant with radio stations, wizards of Oz, and other occupations that don't require you to be actually seen, the call center "people" had long ago lost their desire to care for their personal appearance. i would generously describe the woman as lumpy; waddling atop a daily cornucopia of crocs® with tapered jeans and souvenir sweatshirts from disneyland. on the opposite end of spectrum, the men have facial hair that can only be found in the biker bars of rural kentucky. and you know that guy you pass on the [opposite side of the] street who has a flaming demon tattoo on his throat, sky blue hair, steel spikes lodged in his eyebrows, and leather pants tight enough to ensure he'll never have children? he sat next to me every day.

as for the customers. i don't really know where to begin.

everyone has their own way of saying "A as in ____" "B as in _____" when spelling complicated roads or stupid last names. myself, i prefer the standardization that the International Civil Aviation Organization's phonetic alphabet brings to the table in these types of situations.

i loved when i could hear the pause in between each letter as they literally scanned the room they were in. "C as in couch. A as in...afghan. wait. you know, like the blanket? R as in...remote control. T as in...tequila. E as in...ecstasy. R as in rohypnol. you know what i'll...i'll call you right back."

the best one was when this man literally couldn't think of a word that started with the letter G. i let the agony play out as he struggled for about 20 solid seconds. "G as in...um...G. G as in like...uh...you know like..." i didn't say a word, just letting it run its course. finally his brain pistons fired and he excitedly blurted out, "G as in Gunther!" now this tells me that he actually knew someone with that name. i fantasized gunther's relation to this man as being his momma's third husband's roommate who was in-between jobs at the moment. also he could hog-tie a grown man in 8 seconds flat without spilling a drop of his budweiser in the process.

then you get the disgruntled people who continually refer to me as "you people" as if i'm a member of a leper colony.

or the stay-at-home moms who intend on unleashing the full might of hell upon me because today's general hospital didn't record properly.

or the man who calls saying that he has a brand-new HD tv and the picture isn't very clear and after twenty painstaking minutes of troubleshooting he decides to reveal that he's legally blind and it's probably just his macular degeneration and not the cable service.

or the people who refer to a remote control as a changer, clicker, zapper, pointer, stick or wand.

"my wand's not working."
"honestly sir, i have no idea what you're talking about, but I might suggest medical attention."

or people in the south who use the phrase cut on. as in, "i tried to cut on my TV with the zapper and i can't see no picture." this caused my left eye to involuntarily twitch. i never took a redneck linguistics course in school, so i placed them on hold and asked a co-worker what in the hell that sentence meant. apparently cut on means the same thing as turn on in the rest of the english speaking world.

or the guy who professed how grateful he was that comcast was still a local community company that hadn't become "all corporate" like those other cable giants. i assume he also thinks that walmart is a local ma and pa shop struggling just to stay in business against those "other guys". i didn't want to shatter his tiny universe by telling him that comcast had recently purchased NBC/Universal due to the fact that they're the LARGEST CABLE COMPANY IN THE NATION. for further insight into the inner-workings of this man's brain, he went on to casually tell me that the government was listening into his phone calls. i feigned sympathy over the situation, but he assured me he was okay with since they've done so much for him over the years - such as providing him with mail service for as long as he can remember. so he's cool with the united states government converting his house into a military base as long as they keep the readers digest coming. quid pro quo.

so i quit, moved to the portland area with dawn, and now have a whole new batch of adventures to share with you! eventually.